Have you ever had something happen that brings up a bad memory? I did today and I cried.
I guess you need to know the back story first, so here it is. When I was younger I always wanted to fit in with the other kids. I know it sounds silly but it seemed like everyone else had friends that they hung out with all the time, joked with, or went out to a movie. I wanted that, oh how I wanted it. I had a few friends, if you could call them that, that I would hang around with at school, but nothing ever happened when school was over. I never got invited anywhere or even a phone call to talk. I always had to be the one to make the call and eventually I stopped caring about it. I figured if they really wanted to hang out with me they would actually put in some effort. I always felt left out and I always hoped that the phone would ring for me. When it came to birthday parties, I rarely got an invitation. I would usually find out from someone the following week and I was always hurt.
Why didn't they want me there?
Did I do something to make them not want me around?
So many questions would race through my head but I could never figure anything out. I always thought that I was a reject that nobody wanted around, that there was something wrong with me and I just couldn't see it. That's why I always wanted to fit in. I just wanted to have that circle of friends that I could have fun with. I wished for it every day.
I put a lot of that in the past but every now and then I get a reminder of my childhood and memories come flooding back. You probably want to know what happened, right? Well, I found out today about a party for someone I know well and several people I know went too. Now, imagine how hurt I felt when there was no logical explanation as to why I hadn't been invited. I just can't figure it out. So, now I'm remembering how much I wanted it, to feel accepted, as a kid and the tears just came. I cried for a good ten minutes before I realized that getting all my feelings out in a rant would make me feel so much better (it always does).
Now, I am going to lock those memories back where they were until the next time.